ÜberCiné Updates and The Like:
22 July, 2005: FIN
The full moon rises through the crappy summer air, and some sort of chapter
comes to a close, that another, perhaps, may open.
A viewing, with friends, of Pink Floyd - The Wall for the first time personally
glimpsed since 1982 (!) yields the following mini-appraisal:
Alan Parker is a genius when he wants to be. Bob Geldorf should have stuck to
acting, maybe could have become a crazy uncle on Silver Spoons or something.
(Why Roger Waters didn't just play himself is unclear.) The movie's weird design
and illusion of depth still prove striking. The songs are now boring, the melodrama
stagnant, the assorted vaginas dentatas tedious and/or hilarious, the overall theme
trite. But the lasting lesson of Pink Floyd - The Wall is this: If one has the right
connections, being hypersensitive, hopelessly neurotic, viciously resentful and
infinitely self-absorbed can make one very, very rich.
At least Morrissey has had the decency to be funny.
Here's another mini-review, of the new movie The Island (no, not the fun pirate
movie with David Warner based on the Peter Benchley novel -- although there is
a slender connection in that Steven Spielberg funded this property). Well, it's sort
of a review -- it's actually based on a clip seen online, which is more than
adequate, thank you:
The Island - The "Freeway Chase" clip as seen on America Online's thrilling
new "Beta" site: In this promo-clip of a movie I do not intend to see because it
looks boring and I've already wasted several hours of my life on Michael Bay
product (most dismayingly, from "the Affleck bin"), some sickeningly over-
promoted little beast named Scarlett Johansson ("She's young and willing -- let's
make some money for a few decades!") appears in a puzzlingly incongruous
formal gown, and attempts to woo the online viewer into caring about this new
action juggernaut starring her. Frankly, I'd prefer to see the security-camera video
of whatever she and Benicio "Benny the Bull" Del Toro did to each other in the
elevator of Chateau Marmont sixteen-odd months ago, which their publicists have
clearly instructed them to deny because it's bad for business (although at the time
she described their act as "very unsanitary.") Alas, there's none of that; instead,
we get Johansson and the inescapable Ewan McGregor on the lam from people
who are trying to kill them, including that black guy who always gets work in big
studio movies (no, the other one). Apparently the two are clones who have
escaped from a cloning facility (presumably where all of today's blonde female
pop-stars are produced), but all that matters in this scene is that the people who
created the Freeway Chase scenes for The Matrix 2 and Terminator 3 get to
work again -- and waxing nostalgic for their former masterpieces may make you
feel a little sick if you stop to think about it. Don't. Instead, try to pay attention as
bad guys in cars, helicopters and flying jet-ski things with totally moronic machine-
gun turret-designs attempt to go bang-bang at our cloney protagonists, who,
stowing away on a flatbed truck laden with huge iron spools, fight back in the
most obvious way: By hurling said spools at said bad guys. Loud, raucous and
empty as hell, the scene is purely noise, and seeing it almost makes me wish there
weren't movies anymore. Notably, in her introduction, Johansson (whom you
may recall as the girl from Ghost World who doesn't actually do anything, or as
the girl from Lost in Translation who begins the movie by showing her ass to the
camera, and then doesn't actually do anything) delivers her spiel with all the
sincerity and faux-cheer of an Oscar presenter, concluding with a very mawkish,
"Enjoy." Honey, I didn't, and I still haven't. - Gregory Weinkauf, 21 July, 2005
And that's that. A bit of personal reflection: I don't actually like "blogs" (the word
"blog" sounds like an accident one has in one's pants -- at least that's apt), and this
page has accidentally transformed into one. There may be more chatter, and
certainly more reviews and finally some features and more, but it's already time to
give this particular method a rest. Thank you and possibly even hugs to the lovely
people who've written in with kind and constructive comments. Parting shots:
Web-design is annoying; it is not necessary to sit in the exact center of the movie
theatre (geek!); seat-kickers must die; stupid, ugly people with "power" are never
to be tolerated; L.A. sucks; Hogwarts rules; hate is bad; love is good. Ciao.
21 July, 2005:
Look, cowards, let's clarify something, okay? Bombing is bad. All bombing is
bad. All bombs are bad. People who do bombing -- all people, regardless of how
arrogant, ignorant and self-righteous they may be (hello, D.C.) -- are bad. No
more bombs. No more guns. Go buy yourself some paints and make a picture
about your feelings. Or put on a tutu and prance merrily through the market.
Crazy ideologies and macho venom are no excuse.
Stop the bombs. Now. End of discussion.
21 July, 2005:
What the hell is this, some kinda sick "rock'n'roll" website?
Well, no, actually. Not at all. However, because of a nearly lifelong Christopher
Lee fetish (when he's good, he's great; and when he's bad, he's amazing),
information was avidly sought on this year's heavy metal "Earthshaker" festival in
Geiselwind, Germany, which kicks off tomorrow. It looks miserable, frankly (and
it is in Germany, after all), but with Mr. Lee performing live with Euro-metal acts
Rhapsody (?) and Manowar (??), the passion for octogenarian headbanging is
jump-started by what we may call the Believe-It-Or-Not factor. Almost wishing to
be there (heavy emphasis on the "almost"). I love you, Mr. Lee.
But the real reason this is just plain great is that a little web-research has turned up
what may be one of the funniest quotes ever. Yeah, hitting that little "translate"
link on a "foreign" page is almost always hilarious, but this one's a doozie. Dig:
"Earthshaker Festival in hostage wind
'the only reason of Live to play is it the fan the head away to blow'. So the
statement of Manowar bassist Joey DeMaio. After this slogan also in this year
again the Earthschaker celebration will take place 2005 in hostage wind."
Thank you, Joey "Yoda" Hold-DeMaio. That is so delightful it simply begs
repeating, in italics. Enjoy:
"the only reason of Live to play is it the fan the head away to blow".
21 July, 2005:
Promises, Promises:
Check for some new reviews later ("This must be Thursday; I never could get the
hang of Thursdays"). Constant delays, but L.A. is to thoughtful writing what Iraq
is to peaceful negotiation. That any writing at all is accomplished in this noxious
hell is quite miraculous. (With the death of James Doohan, it suddenly becomes
clear that L.A. is essentially a massive plague of insane, dangerously self-obsessed
Bill Shatners -- male, female and other -- which is not a happy thought, nor
nourishing for creativity.)
Since many current movies suck in a huge way ("outside the art-house" is implied,
usually), ÜberCiné will be giving equal time to past glories deserving of acclaim
(or amusing pans), and possibly even reviewing movies from the future, too.
What's "new" doesn't matter -- only what's interesting.
Remember: Time does not exist, unless you work for rats, your friends are Bill
Shatner, or you're stuck watching a movie that sucks.
20 July, 2005:
Blessings to the Doohan family. It was a pleasure to encounter you last summer,
as Scotty got his Star. With the departure of James Doohan, a courageous life and
a great sweetness of pop culture is lost, but shall always be appreciated.
18 5/8 July, 2005:
Wow.....
18 July, 2005:
Fresh material and some Thrilling Announcements later this week.
Some recent reviews may be polished and posted today, but this is a Monday, and
working on a Monday is vulgar.
17 July, 2005:
Wannabes: Please form your own ideas. This will entail work. Good luck.
13 July, 2005:
Hey, today is the actual, official 20th Anniversary of Live Aid. The DVD inserted
at random delivers crazy kids Mark Knopfler and Gordon Sumner on stage with
Dire Straits doing that song about how pop-stars make too much money! For
nothing? You decide (and tell Sean Combs), however, the main point is:
Remember when the video for that song was the example of that newfangled
computer-animation business? Funny. Here's a concept: Ogres and Clownfish for
Africa! Of course, the main point really was and is:
FEED THE WORLD.
Ah, what an astounding day that was.
(Oh: Hollywood remake-foisters -- that's not "Feed The World Crap"
-- just "Feed The World.")
Meanwhile, sitting here with a soundtrack CD of terrific songs by Leslie Bricusse
and Anthony Newley -- sharp cookies will know what this means -- in the final
stages of The Popular Review Of This Particular Week. Results Thursday. And
to our friends in France, where it's already tomorrow (in more ways than one),
Heureux jour de la prise de la Bastille!
G8 July, 2005:
Well, not bad. Not all bad, anyway -- alas, The Retarded Monkey is still holding
onto on his delusional, greed-driven lie that global warming isn't happening, while
far less embarrassing world leaders would get in trouble for slapping that smug,
stupid grin off his face. Otherwise, Hallelujah for Africa! Apparently $50-billion in
aid and AIDS drugs are on their way. Eighteen poorest countries pardoned their
debts. Truly a great start. It doesn't much matter what George Clooney has to say
(isn't he still trying to buy Lake Como for himself?), but it's nice to see The
Former Lead Singer Of The Boomtown Rats happy for a change. Maybe
Entertainment actually made a practical difference in improving people's lives --
that's a pleasing thought. Meanwhile (mainly addressing Americans), here are two
sure-fire ways to greatly reduce the wasteful, polluting and dangerous use of oil:
1. Invest in shoes, and use them to step gently onto buses and/or trains;
2. Help develop Cold Fusion and Dilithium Crystals before it's too late.
Saraband opens today in major U.S. markets; it's the newish HD feature by
Ingmar Bergman -- now there's an unlikely phrase! Review up asap. Charlie and
the Chocolate Factory also viewed, but the review will be held, tastefully, until
next week -- plus there's simply a whole lot to sort out about it.
7 July, 2005 -- 11:00 a.m. GMT:
COWARDS!
TECHNICAL MOVIE FUN ALERT:
Not a lot of people know this, but in a movie, the sound is usually produced
separately from the picture. In post-production, one aspect of this is foley, which
involves making sounds which (usually) correspond to the picture in (usually) a
natural way. Say, for instance, you're watching a highly original movie about a
boxer, and every time he (or, increasingly, she) lands a punch, it sounds like a
whoopee cushion -- that wouldn't seem plausible, would it? Or say, for instance,
you're watching a stupid hotel heiress who is sipping on some bozo's love-pipe
-- if you concurrently hear, say, the sound of mid-sized gravel crunching beneath
Doc Martens, this will take you out of the emotion of the moment!
Not to worry, for the movie industry is lousy with grossly underpaid and grossly
underappreciated Sound Professionals who look after this crucial element. They
are called Foley Artists, and if you happen to be stuck in Southern California in
mid-July, you can experience the wonder of their craft in person:
On 13 July, 2005, The American Cinematheque at the Egyptian presents
The Foley Show
4 July, 2005
I say! Thank goodness our, um, "founding fathers" escaped those big, nasty
Redcoats! Otherwise we may have gotten a cultured and relatively safe homeland!
To all the ghosts of Native Americans slaughtered and African ancestors enslaved
in the name of "freedom," may fairness prevail in America. Now.
Esteemed Award-Winning Cinéma Critic Gregory Weinkauf Presents
Recommended "Holiday" Viewing:
Skins, Roots, The Mosquito Coast, Bowling for Columbine, Betrayed,
Atanarjuat: La légende de l'homme rapide (a.k.a. Atanarjuat: The Fast Runner
-- and get a pillow; it's long), Broken Arrow, To Kill a Mockingbird, Black Robe,
Lakota Woman, The Learning Tree, Tell Them Willie Boy Is Here, The Wiz,
Baby Boy, select episodes of Northern Exposure, Purple Rain & Graffiti Bridge,
anything involving Julie Dash or Maya Angelou.
Give 'em a miss: Puke-a-hontas and Soul Plane.
"...and Have A Nice Day!"
2 July, 2005
Since Live 8 is now a Motion Picture you can watch in various forms (including a
web-stream), here's a mercifully brief appraisal, and two intriguing questions:
The Mercifully Brief Live 8 Appraisal:
Sensational, in most senses of the word. Interesting that the fellow from a-ha
(who endured technical problems) was more gracious -- and prettier -- than
Madonna "Esther" Ciccone (who repeatedly referred to the audience in Hyde
Park as "you fuckers" -- is that part of her latest religion?) Notable dearth of other
senior women (except Annie "I Rented Richard Branson's Island" Lennox, who
pulled the Big-Eyed Innocent Child Montage card in a way that would make Sally
Struthers proud), but the senior men (Pink-Who-Macca-Wilson-Wonder-Young)
delivered brilliantly and made for lots of those carefully-lensed, seemingly paid
and rehearsed "excited female fan" shots (hey, it's how The Beatles got big), plus
a few "way-too-excited male fan" shots. Robert Smith and David Gilmour both
need to lay off the trifle. Plenty of plugs and poseurs, but at least the energy
stayed up via everyone from Bjork to Chris DeBurgh to les familles Marley and
Mandella. Unfortunately, in Philly, Will Smith forgot to perform his
compassionate anthem, "You Saw My Blinker (Bitch)," but Bruce Cockburn
seemed to make up for this with "If I Had a Rocket Launcher" up in Barrie,
where some modicum of North American irony seems to have survived (or was
that irony? hmm...) Rock-wise, the most enjoyable aspect was the Canadians
going crazy for the broadcast of Pink Floyd's reunion, eh? -- certainly better than
Canuck Celine Dion phoning in her performance. The Germans need to loosen
up. The French and Italian performers were very impressive (if a bit
melodramatic) -- but Italian redneck-caricatures in tats'n'wife-beater'n'baseball-cap
attire should refrain from rapping for the rest of eternity. Everybody (including
The Pet Shop Boys? In Moscow?) seems to have re-employed those popular
"black chicks" for backing vocals (now there's irony! -- compensated by Kanye
West with all those white orchestra chicks sporting Michael Stipe-esque bondage-
mask makeup; somebody's been watching Robert Palmer videos). Best of Show
goes to Africa Calling, which got a bit lost in the shuffle among all the white
saviours, alas, but is worth a re-visit [Coco Mbassi = fab; Geoffrey Oryema
(w/host Peter Gabriel) = marvellous; Modou Diouf & O Fogu = truly beautiful;
Youssou "I Get Around" N'Dour = stellar]. Which leads us to question #1:
Intriguing Question #1:
Is it not ironic that Rock & Roll -- a musical form derived through America's
embarrassing past of African slavery and cultivated through traditional African
folk-song patterns and R&B -- has made many white rock stars and white rock
promoters very, very wealthy, and yet these same performers made rich via this
cultural theft are the ones wagging their fingers at other people to help out
impoverished Africans? I mean, couldn't "Bono" and "Sting" and "Elton John"
and Dan "House of Blues" Ackroyd just sell off a few of their houses -- or better,
give them to the poor people? Might it have been possible for the Live 8 celebs to
forego the $12,000 luxury swag-bags and instead give that money (or, heck, even
the coupons for vacation getaways in Aruba -- or Hugo Boss suits and Gibson
guitars, or whatever) to the poor people?
To quote Aretha Franklin, "Who's zoomin' who?"
Intriguing Question #2:
Since there's a major problem of poverty in Africa, and national governments tend
to err on the side of greed and self-interest, why not stage a concert to request aid
directly from overabundantly wealthy individuals? Let's try a different summit of
eight men: Michael Dell, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Rupert Murdoch, George Lucas,
David Geffen, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Steven Spielberg -- Is it not possible that you
eight alone could feed Africa?
Overall, a very exciting and socially relevant event worthy of continued
contemplation and action, but questions must be asked.
1 July, 2005 (again)
And now for something completely cynical (yet honest):
When exactly did Jennifer Connelly become just another big honkin' whore?
Oops -- forgot that stupid junkie movie (which wasn't hard to do) -- it's been a long time since Labyrinth.
Of course, like many, Connelly has captured a British husband (not to mention
an Oscar for standing around tolerating a total bore in a totally boring movie), but,
well, here's the predicted scenario:
Hey, before the hate-mail pours in, only note that Melanie "Scary Spice" B.
decided not to play the show at all due to creative differences, and she is African.
1 July, 2005
Live 8! No matter how much of an insane attention-hog Bob may seem (Alan
Parker's Pink Floyd: The Wall may have hit pretty close to the mark), he's doing
a great thing. Hallelujah for the power of pop! Push that G8 summit in a smart
direction! (One question, though: What about all the people who are starving in
America?) Tune in tomorrow, and catch all of Youssou & Peter's Africa Calling
gig you possibly can (saw both together in Detroit in 1986, and they truly astound).
The original Live Aid broadcast now officially counts as one of the best motion
pictures of 1985. (To hell with stodgy definitions.) Available on DVD,
naturellement.
July? 2005? Already? Goodness...
28 June, 2005
Happy birthday today to John Cusack!
Today the construction disclaimers end, and new reviews begin to appear...
27 June, 2005
Come back tomorrow.
22 June, 2005
Full Moon on Summer Solstice.
20 June, 2005:
Addendum: Take with a sack of salt the following enthusiasm for a rare contemporary Cinéma icon
who doesn't often suck; somehow forgot all about Eyes Wide Shit (sic).
Happy Birthday to Nicole Kidman!
You know, while the Executive Editor of ÜberCiné probably should be devoting
more time to movies about how it's bad when people are starving or killing each
other or how funny wealthy comedians are or whatever, knowledge of Ms.
Kidman's annual orbital reminds one that she has given focus to many fine
contemporary films [especially Flirting, Moulin Rouge and The Others -- alas, no
bonus points for that one with the Silly Putty nose (Peter Sellers did it better)].
Thus, although many actresses are, in fact, wretched, sincere appreciation is
offered to this one, who openly admitted at her American Cinematheque roast on
14 November, 2003 (thank you) that she is just learning to be a human being.
Keep going, and Joyeux Anniversaire, you Bop Girl, you!
16 June, 2005:
Yes, more reviews* en route; another busy week.
(*Including a real treat...)
Meanwhile, GO to The Los Angeles Film Festival!
(And thank goodness Pawel Pawlikowski is back...)
Happy One-Month Anniversary to this shoddy little update page.
10 June, 2005:
"It was way more fun than the Academy Awards!"
-Kate Montgomery (Writer-Director: Christmas in the Clouds),
in reference to AFI's Life Achievement Award gala for George Lucas
held last night at creepy-awesome Hollywood & Highland
(opinions of the Stormtroopers and the usual swag-bag glitterati were not sought)
Ouch.
7 June, 2005:
Alas, Anne Bancroft (née Anna Maria Louise Italiano) departed yesterday. The
lady was indeed a Miracle Worker of the stage and screen. Heartfelt condolences
to Mel (Kaminsky) Brooks and their son Maximillian.
"Life is here only to be lived so that we can, through life, earn the right to death,
which to me is paradise. Whatever it is that will bring me the reward of paradise,
I'll do the best I can."
- Anne Bancroft
Also HAPPY BIRTHDAY (53) today to Liam Neeson (Darkman, Abe Lincoln?),
who probably should have stuck to his derogatory comments about show-biz (he
quickly back-pedalled when somebody upped his dosage), but is nonetheless one
of our finest screen actors.
"Film is a director's medium. We are basically puppets. Producers earn all the
money, and you get the sense that they hate actors. The crews are treated like
slaves. ... I don't think I can live with the inauthenticity of movies anymore. I
don't like watching them, especially my own stuff."
-Liam Neeson, to Redbook, 1999
6 June, 2005:
Dancing is good for you: Eight original dancers/stars of West Side Story (1961)
turned out recently to discuss their rhythmic lives. All seniors, all fit, awesome.
Many thanks to Dance Camera West and The American Cinematheque.
More actual content eventually: Shake Hands With the Devil: The Journey of
Roméo Dallaire; Genesis; Lords, Sisterhood, that Batman movie, etc.
"I’m a hard worker but I ain’t working on a Monday
I’m a hard worker but I ain’t working on a Monday
A hard working fellow but I ain't working on a Monday
St. Monday’s still the weekend to me"
- Billy Bragg (renowned Democratic Socialist), "St. Monday"
30 May, 2005:
IT WAS TWENTY YEARS AGO TODAY...
Live Aid II ("Live 8") announced for 2 July!
(Not "movie news," but Robert Geldorf and Gordon Sumner used to do movies.)
Dance Camera West begins in L.A. this Wednesday. It's cool.
Most summer movies this year are clearly the equivalent of flaming sacks of
dogshit dumped upon a cinema critic's doorstep (don't get any ideas).
Richard Roeper still miraculously employed; Peter Rainer not -- the world is sick.
This week we'll be seeing a lot more ÜberCiné to love.
23 May, 2005:
The inimitable and legendary Christopher Lee turns 83 on the 27th!
Some Belgian fellows won at Cannes (again).
Dance Camera West runs in L.A. from 1-25 June. (Go.)
After ÜberCiné's auspicious debut, it goes wider soon.
16 May, 2005:
This week a bunch of movies are screening at Cannes.
The rest of the world is full of Sith.
22 July, 2005: FIN
The full moon rises through the crappy summer air, and some sort of chapter
comes to a close, that another, perhaps, may open.
A viewing, with friends, of Pink Floyd - The Wall for the first time personally
glimpsed since 1982 (!) yields the following mini-appraisal:
Alan Parker is a genius when he wants to be. Bob Geldorf should have stuck to
acting, maybe could have become a crazy uncle on Silver Spoons or something.
(Why Roger Waters didn't just play himself is unclear.) The movie's weird design
and illusion of depth still prove striking. The songs are now boring, the melodrama
stagnant, the assorted vaginas dentatas tedious and/or hilarious, the overall theme
trite. But the lasting lesson of Pink Floyd - The Wall is this: If one has the right
connections, being hypersensitive, hopelessly neurotic, viciously resentful and
infinitely self-absorbed can make one very, very rich.
At least Morrissey has had the decency to be funny.
Here's another mini-review, of the new movie The Island (no, not the fun pirate
movie with David Warner based on the Peter Benchley novel -- although there is
a slender connection in that Steven Spielberg funded this property). Well, it's sort
of a review -- it's actually based on a clip seen online, which is more than
adequate, thank you:
The Island - The "Freeway Chase" clip as seen on America Online's thrilling
new "Beta" site: In this promo-clip of a movie I do not intend to see because it
looks boring and I've already wasted several hours of my life on Michael Bay
product (most dismayingly, from "the Affleck bin"), some sickeningly over-
promoted little beast named Scarlett Johansson ("She's young and willing -- let's
make some money for a few decades!") appears in a puzzlingly incongruous
formal gown, and attempts to woo the online viewer into caring about this new
action juggernaut starring her. Frankly, I'd prefer to see the security-camera video
of whatever she and Benicio "Benny the Bull" Del Toro did to each other in the
elevator of Chateau Marmont sixteen-odd months ago, which their publicists have
clearly instructed them to deny because it's bad for business (although at the time
she described their act as "very unsanitary.") Alas, there's none of that; instead,
we get Johansson and the inescapable Ewan McGregor on the lam from people
who are trying to kill them, including that black guy who always gets work in big
studio movies (no, the other one). Apparently the two are clones who have
escaped from a cloning facility (presumably where all of today's blonde female
pop-stars are produced), but all that matters in this scene is that the people who
created the Freeway Chase scenes for The Matrix 2 and Terminator 3 get to
work again -- and waxing nostalgic for their former masterpieces may make you
feel a little sick if you stop to think about it. Don't. Instead, try to pay attention as
bad guys in cars, helicopters and flying jet-ski things with totally moronic machine-
gun turret-designs attempt to go bang-bang at our cloney protagonists, who,
stowing away on a flatbed truck laden with huge iron spools, fight back in the
most obvious way: By hurling said spools at said bad guys. Loud, raucous and
empty as hell, the scene is purely noise, and seeing it almost makes me wish there
weren't movies anymore. Notably, in her introduction, Johansson (whom you
may recall as the girl from Ghost World who doesn't actually do anything, or as
the girl from Lost in Translation who begins the movie by showing her ass to the
camera, and then doesn't actually do anything) delivers her spiel with all the
sincerity and faux-cheer of an Oscar presenter, concluding with a very mawkish,
"Enjoy." Honey, I didn't, and I still haven't. - Gregory Weinkauf, 21 July, 2005
And that's that. A bit of personal reflection: I don't actually like "blogs" (the word
"blog" sounds like an accident one has in one's pants -- at least that's apt), and this
page has accidentally transformed into one. There may be more chatter, and
certainly more reviews and finally some features and more, but it's already time to
give this particular method a rest. Thank you and possibly even hugs to the lovely
people who've written in with kind and constructive comments. Parting shots:
Web-design is annoying; it is not necessary to sit in the exact center of the movie
theatre (geek!); seat-kickers must die; stupid, ugly people with "power" are never
to be tolerated; L.A. sucks; Hogwarts rules; hate is bad; love is good. Ciao.
21 July, 2005:
Look, cowards, let's clarify something, okay? Bombing is bad. All bombing is
bad. All bombs are bad. People who do bombing -- all people, regardless of how
arrogant, ignorant and self-righteous they may be (hello, D.C.) -- are bad. No
more bombs. No more guns. Go buy yourself some paints and make a picture
about your feelings. Or put on a tutu and prance merrily through the market.
Crazy ideologies and macho venom are no excuse.
Stop the bombs. Now. End of discussion.
21 July, 2005:
What the hell is this, some kinda sick "rock'n'roll" website?
Well, no, actually. Not at all. However, because of a nearly lifelong Christopher
Lee fetish (when he's good, he's great; and when he's bad, he's amazing),
information was avidly sought on this year's heavy metal "Earthshaker" festival in
Geiselwind, Germany, which kicks off tomorrow. It looks miserable, frankly (and
it is in Germany, after all), but with Mr. Lee performing live with Euro-metal acts
Rhapsody (?) and Manowar (??), the passion for octogenarian headbanging is
jump-started by what we may call the Believe-It-Or-Not factor. Almost wishing to
be there (heavy emphasis on the "almost"). I love you, Mr. Lee.
But the real reason this is just plain great is that a little web-research has turned up
what may be one of the funniest quotes ever. Yeah, hitting that little "translate"
link on a "foreign" page is almost always hilarious, but this one's a doozie. Dig:
"Earthshaker Festival in hostage wind
'the only reason of Live to play is it the fan the head away to blow'. So the
statement of Manowar bassist Joey DeMaio. After this slogan also in this year
again the Earthschaker celebration will take place 2005 in hostage wind."
Thank you, Joey "Yoda" Hold-DeMaio. That is so delightful it simply begs
repeating, in italics. Enjoy:
"the only reason of Live to play is it the fan the head away to blow".
21 July, 2005:
Promises, Promises:
Check for some new reviews later ("This must be Thursday; I never could get the
hang of Thursdays"). Constant delays, but L.A. is to thoughtful writing what Iraq
is to peaceful negotiation. That any writing at all is accomplished in this noxious
hell is quite miraculous. (With the death of James Doohan, it suddenly becomes
clear that L.A. is essentially a massive plague of insane, dangerously self-obsessed
Bill Shatners -- male, female and other -- which is not a happy thought, nor
nourishing for creativity.)
Since many current movies suck in a huge way ("outside the art-house" is implied,
usually), ÜberCiné will be giving equal time to past glories deserving of acclaim
(or amusing pans), and possibly even reviewing movies from the future, too.
What's "new" doesn't matter -- only what's interesting.
Remember: Time does not exist, unless you work for rats, your friends are Bill
Shatner, or you're stuck watching a movie that sucks.
20 July, 2005:
Blessings to the Doohan family. It was a pleasure to encounter you last summer,
as Scotty got his Star. With the departure of James Doohan, a courageous life and
a great sweetness of pop culture is lost, but shall always be appreciated.
18 5/8 July, 2005:
Wow.....
18 July, 2005:
Fresh material and some Thrilling Announcements later this week.
Some recent reviews may be polished and posted today, but this is a Monday, and
working on a Monday is vulgar.
17 July, 2005:
Wannabes: Please form your own ideas. This will entail work. Good luck.
13 July, 2005:
Hey, today is the actual, official 20th Anniversary of Live Aid. The DVD inserted
at random delivers crazy kids Mark Knopfler and Gordon Sumner on stage with
Dire Straits doing that song about how pop-stars make too much money! For
nothing? You decide (and tell Sean Combs), however, the main point is:
Remember when the video for that song was the example of that newfangled
computer-animation business? Funny. Here's a concept: Ogres and Clownfish for
Africa! Of course, the main point really was and is:
FEED THE WORLD.
Ah, what an astounding day that was.
(Oh: Hollywood remake-foisters -- that's not "Feed The World Crap"
-- just "Feed The World.")
Meanwhile, sitting here with a soundtrack CD of terrific songs by Leslie Bricusse
and Anthony Newley -- sharp cookies will know what this means -- in the final
stages of The Popular Review Of This Particular Week. Results Thursday. And
to our friends in France, where it's already tomorrow (in more ways than one),
Heureux jour de la prise de la Bastille!
G8 July, 2005:
Well, not bad. Not all bad, anyway -- alas, The Retarded Monkey is still holding
onto on his delusional, greed-driven lie that global warming isn't happening, while
far less embarrassing world leaders would get in trouble for slapping that smug,
stupid grin off his face. Otherwise, Hallelujah for Africa! Apparently $50-billion in
aid and AIDS drugs are on their way. Eighteen poorest countries pardoned their
debts. Truly a great start. It doesn't much matter what George Clooney has to say
(isn't he still trying to buy Lake Como for himself?), but it's nice to see The
Former Lead Singer Of The Boomtown Rats happy for a change. Maybe
Entertainment actually made a practical difference in improving people's lives --
that's a pleasing thought. Meanwhile (mainly addressing Americans), here are two
sure-fire ways to greatly reduce the wasteful, polluting and dangerous use of oil:
1. Invest in shoes, and use them to step gently onto buses and/or trains;
2. Help develop Cold Fusion and Dilithium Crystals before it's too late.
Saraband opens today in major U.S. markets; it's the newish HD feature by
Ingmar Bergman -- now there's an unlikely phrase! Review up asap. Charlie and
the Chocolate Factory also viewed, but the review will be held, tastefully, until
next week -- plus there's simply a whole lot to sort out about it.
7 July, 2005 -- 11:00 a.m. GMT:
COWARDS!
TECHNICAL MOVIE FUN ALERT:
Not a lot of people know this, but in a movie, the sound is usually produced
separately from the picture. In post-production, one aspect of this is foley, which
involves making sounds which (usually) correspond to the picture in (usually) a
natural way. Say, for instance, you're watching a highly original movie about a
boxer, and every time he (or, increasingly, she) lands a punch, it sounds like a
whoopee cushion -- that wouldn't seem plausible, would it? Or say, for instance,
you're watching a stupid hotel heiress who is sipping on some bozo's love-pipe
-- if you concurrently hear, say, the sound of mid-sized gravel crunching beneath
Doc Martens, this will take you out of the emotion of the moment!
Not to worry, for the movie industry is lousy with grossly underpaid and grossly
underappreciated Sound Professionals who look after this crucial element. They
are called Foley Artists, and if you happen to be stuck in Southern California in
mid-July, you can experience the wonder of their craft in person:
On 13 July, 2005, The American Cinematheque at the Egyptian presents
The Foley Show
4 July, 2005
I say! Thank goodness our, um, "founding fathers" escaped those big, nasty
Redcoats! Otherwise we may have gotten a cultured and relatively safe homeland!
To all the ghosts of Native Americans slaughtered and African ancestors enslaved
in the name of "freedom," may fairness prevail in America. Now.
Esteemed Award-Winning Cinéma Critic Gregory Weinkauf Presents
Recommended "Holiday" Viewing:
Skins, Roots, The Mosquito Coast, Bowling for Columbine, Betrayed,
Atanarjuat: La légende de l'homme rapide (a.k.a. Atanarjuat: The Fast Runner
-- and get a pillow; it's long), Broken Arrow, To Kill a Mockingbird, Black Robe,
Lakota Woman, The Learning Tree, Tell Them Willie Boy Is Here, The Wiz,
Baby Boy, select episodes of Northern Exposure, Purple Rain & Graffiti Bridge,
anything involving Julie Dash or Maya Angelou.
Give 'em a miss: Puke-a-hontas and Soul Plane.
"...and Have A Nice Day!"
2 July, 2005
Since Live 8 is now a Motion Picture you can watch in various forms (including a
web-stream), here's a mercifully brief appraisal, and two intriguing questions:
The Mercifully Brief Live 8 Appraisal:
Sensational, in most senses of the word. Interesting that the fellow from a-ha
(who endured technical problems) was more gracious -- and prettier -- than
Madonna "Esther" Ciccone (who repeatedly referred to the audience in Hyde
Park as "you fuckers" -- is that part of her latest religion?) Notable dearth of other
senior women (except Annie "I Rented Richard Branson's Island" Lennox, who
pulled the Big-Eyed Innocent Child Montage card in a way that would make Sally
Struthers proud), but the senior men (Pink-Who-Macca-Wilson-Wonder-Young)
delivered brilliantly and made for lots of those carefully-lensed, seemingly paid
and rehearsed "excited female fan" shots (hey, it's how The Beatles got big), plus
a few "way-too-excited male fan" shots. Robert Smith and David Gilmour both
need to lay off the trifle. Plenty of plugs and poseurs, but at least the energy
stayed up via everyone from Bjork to Chris DeBurgh to les familles Marley and
Mandella. Unfortunately, in Philly, Will Smith forgot to perform his
compassionate anthem, "You Saw My Blinker (Bitch)," but Bruce Cockburn
seemed to make up for this with "If I Had a Rocket Launcher" up in Barrie,
where some modicum of North American irony seems to have survived (or was
that irony? hmm...) Rock-wise, the most enjoyable aspect was the Canadians
going crazy for the broadcast of Pink Floyd's reunion, eh? -- certainly better than
Canuck Celine Dion phoning in her performance. The Germans need to loosen
up. The French and Italian performers were very impressive (if a bit
melodramatic) -- but Italian redneck-caricatures in tats'n'wife-beater'n'baseball-cap
attire should refrain from rapping for the rest of eternity. Everybody (including
The Pet Shop Boys? In Moscow?) seems to have re-employed those popular
"black chicks" for backing vocals (now there's irony! -- compensated by Kanye
West with all those white orchestra chicks sporting Michael Stipe-esque bondage-
mask makeup; somebody's been watching Robert Palmer videos). Best of Show
goes to Africa Calling, which got a bit lost in the shuffle among all the white
saviours, alas, but is worth a re-visit [Coco Mbassi = fab; Geoffrey Oryema
(w/host Peter Gabriel) = marvellous; Modou Diouf & O Fogu = truly beautiful;
Youssou "I Get Around" N'Dour = stellar]. Which leads us to question #1:
Intriguing Question #1:
Is it not ironic that Rock & Roll -- a musical form derived through America's
embarrassing past of African slavery and cultivated through traditional African
folk-song patterns and R&B -- has made many white rock stars and white rock
promoters very, very wealthy, and yet these same performers made rich via this
cultural theft are the ones wagging their fingers at other people to help out
impoverished Africans? I mean, couldn't "Bono" and "Sting" and "Elton John"
and Dan "House of Blues" Ackroyd just sell off a few of their houses -- or better,
give them to the poor people? Might it have been possible for the Live 8 celebs to
forego the $12,000 luxury swag-bags and instead give that money (or, heck, even
the coupons for vacation getaways in Aruba -- or Hugo Boss suits and Gibson
guitars, or whatever) to the poor people?
To quote Aretha Franklin, "Who's zoomin' who?"
Intriguing Question #2:
Since there's a major problem of poverty in Africa, and national governments tend
to err on the side of greed and self-interest, why not stage a concert to request aid
directly from overabundantly wealthy individuals? Let's try a different summit of
eight men: Michael Dell, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Rupert Murdoch, George Lucas,
David Geffen, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Steven Spielberg -- Is it not possible that you
eight alone could feed Africa?
Overall, a very exciting and socially relevant event worthy of continued
contemplation and action, but questions must be asked.
1 July, 2005 (again)
And now for something completely cynical (yet honest):
When exactly did Jennifer Connelly become just another big honkin' whore?
Oops -- forgot that stupid junkie movie (which wasn't hard to do) -- it's been a long time since Labyrinth.
Of course, like many, Connelly has captured a British husband (not to mention
an Oscar for standing around tolerating a total bore in a totally boring movie), but,
well, here's the predicted scenario:
Hey, before the hate-mail pours in, only note that Melanie "Scary Spice" B.
decided not to play the show at all due to creative differences, and she is African.
1 July, 2005
Live 8! No matter how much of an insane attention-hog Bob may seem (Alan
Parker's Pink Floyd: The Wall may have hit pretty close to the mark), he's doing
a great thing. Hallelujah for the power of pop! Push that G8 summit in a smart
direction! (One question, though: What about all the people who are starving in
America?) Tune in tomorrow, and catch all of Youssou & Peter's Africa Calling
gig you possibly can (saw both together in Detroit in 1986, and they truly astound).
The original Live Aid broadcast now officially counts as one of the best motion
pictures of 1985. (To hell with stodgy definitions.) Available on DVD,
naturellement.
July? 2005? Already? Goodness...
28 June, 2005
Happy birthday today to John Cusack!
Today the construction disclaimers end, and new reviews begin to appear...
27 June, 2005
Come back tomorrow.
22 June, 2005
Full Moon on Summer Solstice.
20 June, 2005:
Addendum: Take with a sack of salt the following enthusiasm for a rare contemporary Cinéma icon
who doesn't often suck; somehow forgot all about Eyes Wide Shit (sic).
Happy Birthday to Nicole Kidman!
You know, while the Executive Editor of ÜberCiné probably should be devoting
more time to movies about how it's bad when people are starving or killing each
other or how funny wealthy comedians are or whatever, knowledge of Ms.
Kidman's annual orbital reminds one that she has given focus to many fine
contemporary films [especially Flirting, Moulin Rouge and The Others -- alas, no
bonus points for that one with the Silly Putty nose (Peter Sellers did it better)].
Thus, although many actresses are, in fact, wretched, sincere appreciation is
offered to this one, who openly admitted at her American Cinematheque roast on
14 November, 2003 (thank you) that she is just learning to be a human being.
Keep going, and Joyeux Anniversaire, you Bop Girl, you!
16 June, 2005:
Yes, more reviews* en route; another busy week.
(*Including a real treat...)
Meanwhile, GO to The Los Angeles Film Festival!
(And thank goodness Pawel Pawlikowski is back...)
Happy One-Month Anniversary to this shoddy little update page.
10 June, 2005:
"It was way more fun than the Academy Awards!"
-Kate Montgomery (Writer-Director: Christmas in the Clouds),
in reference to AFI's Life Achievement Award gala for George Lucas
held last night at creepy-awesome Hollywood & Highland
(opinions of the Stormtroopers and the usual swag-bag glitterati were not sought)
Ouch.
7 June, 2005:
Alas, Anne Bancroft (née Anna Maria Louise Italiano) departed yesterday. The
lady was indeed a Miracle Worker of the stage and screen. Heartfelt condolences
to Mel (Kaminsky) Brooks and their son Maximillian.
"Life is here only to be lived so that we can, through life, earn the right to death,
which to me is paradise. Whatever it is that will bring me the reward of paradise,
I'll do the best I can."
- Anne Bancroft
Also HAPPY BIRTHDAY (53) today to Liam Neeson (Darkman, Abe Lincoln?),
who probably should have stuck to his derogatory comments about show-biz (he
quickly back-pedalled when somebody upped his dosage), but is nonetheless one
of our finest screen actors.
"Film is a director's medium. We are basically puppets. Producers earn all the
money, and you get the sense that they hate actors. The crews are treated like
slaves. ... I don't think I can live with the inauthenticity of movies anymore. I
don't like watching them, especially my own stuff."
-Liam Neeson, to Redbook, 1999
6 June, 2005:
Dancing is good for you: Eight original dancers/stars of West Side Story (1961)
turned out recently to discuss their rhythmic lives. All seniors, all fit, awesome.
Many thanks to Dance Camera West and The American Cinematheque.
More actual content eventually: Shake Hands With the Devil: The Journey of
Roméo Dallaire; Genesis; Lords, Sisterhood, that Batman movie, etc.
"I’m a hard worker but I ain’t working on a Monday
I’m a hard worker but I ain’t working on a Monday
A hard working fellow but I ain't working on a Monday
St. Monday’s still the weekend to me"
- Billy Bragg (renowned Democratic Socialist), "St. Monday"
30 May, 2005:
IT WAS TWENTY YEARS AGO TODAY...
Live Aid II ("Live 8") announced for 2 July!
(Not "movie news," but Robert Geldorf and Gordon Sumner used to do movies.)
Dance Camera West begins in L.A. this Wednesday. It's cool.
Most summer movies this year are clearly the equivalent of flaming sacks of
dogshit dumped upon a cinema critic's doorstep (don't get any ideas).
Richard Roeper still miraculously employed; Peter Rainer not -- the world is sick.
This week we'll be seeing a lot more ÜberCiné to love.
23 May, 2005:
The inimitable and legendary Christopher Lee turns 83 on the 27th!
Some Belgian fellows won at Cannes (again).
Dance Camera West runs in L.A. from 1-25 June. (Go.)
After ÜberCiné's auspicious debut, it goes wider soon.
16 May, 2005:
This week a bunch of movies are screening at Cannes.
The rest of the world is full of Sith.
| All Material Here © ÜberCiné (unless otherwise noted) - All Rights Reserved. |
| CURRENT |
| ÜberCiné |
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| EXT. LIVE 8 HALF-MEDIOCRE SOP-ROCK PHILLY CONCERT - DAY ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen, our next presenter is Jennifer Connelly! SPEC-TATER #1 Are those boobs a lot smaller? SPEC-TATER #2 Yep. SPEC-TATER #1 Bummer. JENNIFER CONNELLY Hello, Pittsburgh! It's really great to be here! SPEC-TATER #2 Did she just s-- SPEC-TATER #1 Yep. Actress. JENNIFER CONNELLY (cont.) Look, it's, like, really important that we stop African kids from starving and all... (beat for emotional response) (there is none; cont.) ...but I just want you all to know, seriously, that my new movie comes out this Friday, the 8th of July! (beat for emotional response) (there is none; cont.) It's called Dark Water, and it's, like, the umpteenth Hollywood remake of a nonsensical Asian horror movie, with a Hollywood starlet in the lead, which is me! So go see it! This Friday, the 8th! And, um... PROMPTER (hissing) Feed the World, Jennifer! JENNIFER CONNELLY Feed the...what? (confused) Why should I have to feed th-- Oh. Right. "Feed the World," everybody! And don't forget: Dark Water, this Friday! There is NO APPLAUSE WHATSOEVER. SPEC-TATER #1 Talk about "Career Opportunities." SPEC-TATER #2 She shoulda kept the boobs. DAVE MATTHEWS takes the stage and is instantly ASSASSINATED by STEVIE WONDER: entertainment for which the crowd finally CHEERS... |
™
Necessary Addendum: This is not to say "end of discussion" in terms of anything except whether or
not violence is okay: Violence among humans is not okay (I can't speak for cats and Venus flytraps),
and it must stop now. Discussion in general is splendid, discussion makes for a rare and exhilarating
alternative to people hurting and killing each other,.and long may discussion thrive.
not violence is okay: Violence among humans is not okay (I can't speak for cats and Venus flytraps),
and it must stop now. Discussion in general is splendid, discussion makes for a rare and exhilarating
alternative to people hurting and killing each other,.and long may discussion thrive.
NO LONGER: