Brotherly Love
Is this really Speed Racer -- or a hella expensive family therapy session?
BY GREGORY
Speed Racer is inherently Good. The franchise, I mean. When I was a little kid, I literally quit Cub Scouts specifically so
I wouldn’t have to miss an episode; and, thus, Speed Racer may be credited with helping me to establish my priorities.
Naturally, such profound affection for a television cartoon eventually led to trepidation at the prospect of having to view
somebody else’s cinematic adaptation of it -- and a few months ago, the trailer did indeed cause me some preliminary
worry -- and now here we are.
This is actually a tricky review to write!
For those of you afflicted with the same aggressive, ankle-bouncing ADD which hampers childhood Speed in the
beginning of this movie, let this paragraph stand as the very short form: Speed Racer is perversely kaleidoscopic and
obscenely convoluted; thus, user-satisfaction will vary. (I loathe absolutes, and am attempting -- despite my personal
disappointment -- to be as fair as possible; perhaps this is why most humans have two thumbs!) Without actually leaving
much of an impression, this movie bludgeons the senses and confounds the mind. Kudos to production designer the
Marquis de Sade, and to script-doctor Chim-Chim.
Intrepid readers continuing beyond the previous paragraph may now surmise: “Well, he just didn’t like it because it’s not
the same as that cartoon he loves so much!” And…no. That’s not it, actually. Indeed, Speed Racer the motion picture is
not what I wanted (more accurately, it’s approximately 10% of what I wanted) -- but as a critic and writer of incredible
prowess, my duty includes appraising whether or not the movie simply works, even on its own weird terms -- which is
what we’ll explore throughout the remainder of this review.
Mainly, it bears mentioning that, while the iconography of Speed Racer (the series) is largely present (many familiar
entities are blithely, senselessly name-checked), the spirit is not. Such a self-congratulatory show-off is this production
(“Mach 6”? Get outta here!) that it utterly neglects the charm (and narrative coherency!) which made Mach Go Go Go! a
global hit in the first place. Much like the James Bond franchise, Speed Racer is most at home in its native 1960s (with its
genuinely revolutionary chemistry of Apple Pie and Cold War) and this update -- boasting a barrage of dizzying but
strangely unaffecting “drift-cars” -- represents the epitome of what a film professor of mine once defined as, “a whole
lotta tap-dancing around a very small nugget.”
Sigh.
They didn't even do the music right.
While the cumulative effect of Speed Racer is akin to having a thousand Roman candles fired off into one’s face for about
two hours (plus some brief breaks for crappy, obtrusive melodrama), the story (as such) is built around (or, better,
“avalanched around”) four major automobile races. Basically, we learn about our hero Speed (Emile Hirsch; passable; but
young Rob Lowe would have been ideal) via a high-tech race upon his apparently (by dialect) Aussie-British-American
hometown’s Thunderhead racetrack (green screen), through a very dangerous intercontinental road-race called the Casa
Cristo 5000 (green screen), to the movie’s big Grand Prix finale in the ultra-high-tech metropolis called Cosmopolis (green
screen) -- plus (perhaps most significant of all) a lights-out, one-on-one nocturnal shakedown (green screen) between
Speed and the enigmatic Racer X (Matthew Fox), who may or may not be Speed’s rebellious, presumed-dead older
brother, Rex.
Therein lies the crux of Speed Racer -- this notion of Brotherhood (writ large from the cartoon) -- and, probably because
the movie was written and directed by The Wachowski Siblings, it is in this element -- not in the crazy jumble of
distracting bit-characters and certainly not in the proverbial speedway of love (Christina Ricci, as Trixie, is little more than
a pretty prop with pretty props [she pilots a cheesy pink helicopter]) -- that the movie comes closest to finding its rather
limited soul. (Those in the know may also share a wink at the brief scene involving transvestism, as well as in the
genuinely funny inclusion of a very not-cartoon-canon surgery (!) to alter a certain older brother’s identity [let us
suppose that this is in no way intended as a Knight Rider homage] -- but I endeavour here, and generally, to appraise the
creation, rather than its creators.) Putting a fine point on it, Speed Racer -- much like the Wachowski Siblings’
increasingly messy Matrix trilogy -- only rarely becomes emotionally engaging, and the rest is titillating, high-tech bluster.
Actually, since -- as with the Matrix sequels -- outrageously tricked-out visuals are employed to counterbalance the pop-
junkyard attempt at screenwriting, let us now address what this movie does best: Spectacle. If you like visual effects,
you’ll be pleased to know that something like one third of the population of Earth worked on all the CG whatsie going on
in Speed Racer -- and it totally shows. From DayGlo suburbia (featuring some of the most hideous wallpaper in the
history of human domesticity) to the “Los Angeles: 2017”-meets-Coruscant lustre of Cosmopolis, from armies of Segway-
riding minions to the kinda-epic races themselves (which are absolutely and doubtlessly inspired by the Star Wars
Podracer videogame – which I’d much rather play than watch this movie, incidentally), the most accurate adjective we
have available in English is “neato” -- and if “neato” works for you, you’re in for a feast of it with Speed Racer. (David
Tattersall, who lensed the similar-in-execution Star Wars prequels, serves as D.P. here.) And, to conclude this point
honestly: As we viewed this Spectacle via hi-def digital on a massive IMAX screen (forced into uncomfortably close
scrutiny of each and every gigantic facial mole, plus a rather disturbing and unfortunate nosehair close-up), I felt much
more intrigued-by-technique than involved-with-story -- and in feature-filmmaking, that’s not a good thing (our audience,
including many children, remained almost silent throughout this long movie -- which, heck, may serve as a
recommendation to some parents). During the crazy race through the mountains, I even had trouble stifling a huge yawn;
it looked really cool, but the only time all that animation actually connected was when a live character (“Snake Oiler,”
Christian Oliver, not bad) called Speed a “little turd” -- then suddenly it wasn’t about loud, weightless, absurdly-fake
“cars” and became, all too briefly, about characters: Boys, there is a lesson in this.
Performances: Alas, in the leads as Speed and Trixie, both Hirsch and Ricci are dismayingly flat (if you want these
characters to pop, check out Peter Fernandez and Corinne Orr [both kindly given cameos as announcers in the feature]
voicing them in the English dub of the original series). Meanwhile, absolutely not flat is Susan Sarandon (The Rocky
Horror Picture Show), whose presence as earnest, determined, astoundingly busty and very proud Mom Racer not only
affords the project some much-needed integrity -- it also establishes once again that Tim Robbins is a totally lucky dude.
And then we’ve got John Goodman (True Stories) as Pops Racer -- another of the movie’s heavy-hitters (literally, in a
couple of startling fight scenes), who -- unlike the younger players -- possesses some innate understanding of how to
portray a cartoon character without being merely two-dimensional.
Less impressed am I with Speed’s trusty mechanic Sparky (who is supposed to be a total American dork -- not some
wiry Australian like Kick Gurry), and especially with the movie’s corporate villain, Royalton (Roger Allam; a.k.a.
“Nosehairs”) -- who claims altogether too much screen time and is nowhere near interesting enough to deserve it. (Does
anybody else see the irony of a movie allegedly shunning the evils of corporate sponsorship whilst plugging Motorola,
Sennheiser, Adidas and Swatch?) I’m also a bit disappointed with Speed’s tyke-brother Spritle (Paulie Litt), who is mainly
a silly nuisance in the cartoon but is annoyingly pugnacious here (he actually flips Royalton the bird -- quoth the little boy
sitting next to us: “Mommy, what does that mean?” -- and even affords the villain a fecal facial, via “Chim-Chim cookies”).
Although Speed Racer is being marketed as a “family film,” the label is definitely dubious. Producer Joel Silver is known
for his blam-blam fetish, and the gunfire in this movie proves rather intense. (In all fairness, the cartoon also featured
significant gun action -- but as long as we’re updating absolutely every other element -- in many cases beyond recognition
-- would it be too much to modify the firearm obscenity to parallel current, progressive standards?) There’s also some
rather nasty stuff involving voracious piranhas, very violent fisticuffs and poison syringes -- basically lots of icky things
even a more adult-oriented success like Iron Man doesn’t need -- and frankly, I question why these things are included.
(A peripheral character played by Shaft himself -- Richard Roundtree -- also exclaims “Shit!” -- but it’s bleeped out,
which, after everything else, is puzzling.)
Speaking of supporting characters, there isn’t enough RAM on my server. Whole buncha people, zooming around the
screen. Since the movie was lensed in Germany, Moritz Bliebtreu (Run Lola Run) briefly flits past as “Grey Ghost”.
There’s a whole (apparently truncated) Asian corporate subplot involving the talents of Hiroyuki Sanada, Togo Igawa, Yu
Nan, Rain (the Korean pop superstar with no surname) and others -- which could have been a feature unto itself. Oh, and
Inspector Detector (Benno Furmann) and Cruncher Block (John Benfield) show up -- and nobody else seems to notice
that their names and roles are completely ridiculous.
I do think it’s way cool, though, that my former university peer (and awesome singer Tanita Tikaram’s brother) Ramon
Tikaram gets to be one of the globally pump-priming race-announcers. Among many! (The international supporting cast is
very impressive, and worth a click over to IMDb.)
Ultimately, though, this is the eponymous character’s story, and the Wachowski Siblings’ portraiture thereof is direly
eclipsed by their digital toolbox and delusions of creativity. They give us Speed not as the originally envisioned shining
hero -- but more as a self-obsessed jerk who “grows” through the movie to become…a slightly tougher self-obsessed
jerk. During one of many smash-‘em-ups -- which the cartoon Speed would have artfully dodged -- they even have him
declare, “No more Mr. Nice Guy!” What they’re forgetting -- or what they’ve lost -- is that Speed Racer’s whole purpose
is to remind us that, ultimately, despite entire worlds of setbacks, nice guys finish first.
Speed Racer
Entertainment Value: 6/13
Style: 7/13
Philosophical Insight: 5/13
-Gregory Weinkauf, 8 May, 2008
This ÜberCiné Review is dedicated to me sitting cross-legged and thrilled in front of a big old lo-def Zenith.
Is this really Speed Racer -- or a hella expensive family therapy session?
BY GREGORY
Speed Racer is inherently Good. The franchise, I mean. When I was a little kid, I literally quit Cub Scouts specifically so
I wouldn’t have to miss an episode; and, thus, Speed Racer may be credited with helping me to establish my priorities.
Naturally, such profound affection for a television cartoon eventually led to trepidation at the prospect of having to view
somebody else’s cinematic adaptation of it -- and a few months ago, the trailer did indeed cause me some preliminary
worry -- and now here we are.
This is actually a tricky review to write!
For those of you afflicted with the same aggressive, ankle-bouncing ADD which hampers childhood Speed in the
beginning of this movie, let this paragraph stand as the very short form: Speed Racer is perversely kaleidoscopic and
obscenely convoluted; thus, user-satisfaction will vary. (I loathe absolutes, and am attempting -- despite my personal
disappointment -- to be as fair as possible; perhaps this is why most humans have two thumbs!) Without actually leaving
much of an impression, this movie bludgeons the senses and confounds the mind. Kudos to production designer the
Marquis de Sade, and to script-doctor Chim-Chim.
Intrepid readers continuing beyond the previous paragraph may now surmise: “Well, he just didn’t like it because it’s not
the same as that cartoon he loves so much!” And…no. That’s not it, actually. Indeed, Speed Racer the motion picture is
not what I wanted (more accurately, it’s approximately 10% of what I wanted) -- but as a critic and writer of incredible
prowess, my duty includes appraising whether or not the movie simply works, even on its own weird terms -- which is
what we’ll explore throughout the remainder of this review.
Mainly, it bears mentioning that, while the iconography of Speed Racer (the series) is largely present (many familiar
entities are blithely, senselessly name-checked), the spirit is not. Such a self-congratulatory show-off is this production
(“Mach 6”? Get outta here!) that it utterly neglects the charm (and narrative coherency!) which made Mach Go Go Go! a
global hit in the first place. Much like the James Bond franchise, Speed Racer is most at home in its native 1960s (with its
genuinely revolutionary chemistry of Apple Pie and Cold War) and this update -- boasting a barrage of dizzying but
strangely unaffecting “drift-cars” -- represents the epitome of what a film professor of mine once defined as, “a whole
lotta tap-dancing around a very small nugget.”
Sigh.
They didn't even do the music right.
While the cumulative effect of Speed Racer is akin to having a thousand Roman candles fired off into one’s face for about
two hours (plus some brief breaks for crappy, obtrusive melodrama), the story (as such) is built around (or, better,
“avalanched around”) four major automobile races. Basically, we learn about our hero Speed (Emile Hirsch; passable; but
young Rob Lowe would have been ideal) via a high-tech race upon his apparently (by dialect) Aussie-British-American
hometown’s Thunderhead racetrack (green screen), through a very dangerous intercontinental road-race called the Casa
Cristo 5000 (green screen), to the movie’s big Grand Prix finale in the ultra-high-tech metropolis called Cosmopolis (green
screen) -- plus (perhaps most significant of all) a lights-out, one-on-one nocturnal shakedown (green screen) between
Speed and the enigmatic Racer X (Matthew Fox), who may or may not be Speed’s rebellious, presumed-dead older
brother, Rex.
Therein lies the crux of Speed Racer -- this notion of Brotherhood (writ large from the cartoon) -- and, probably because
the movie was written and directed by The Wachowski Siblings, it is in this element -- not in the crazy jumble of
distracting bit-characters and certainly not in the proverbial speedway of love (Christina Ricci, as Trixie, is little more than
a pretty prop with pretty props [she pilots a cheesy pink helicopter]) -- that the movie comes closest to finding its rather
limited soul. (Those in the know may also share a wink at the brief scene involving transvestism, as well as in the
genuinely funny inclusion of a very not-cartoon-canon surgery (!) to alter a certain older brother’s identity [let us
suppose that this is in no way intended as a Knight Rider homage] -- but I endeavour here, and generally, to appraise the
creation, rather than its creators.) Putting a fine point on it, Speed Racer -- much like the Wachowski Siblings’
increasingly messy Matrix trilogy -- only rarely becomes emotionally engaging, and the rest is titillating, high-tech bluster.
Actually, since -- as with the Matrix sequels -- outrageously tricked-out visuals are employed to counterbalance the pop-
junkyard attempt at screenwriting, let us now address what this movie does best: Spectacle. If you like visual effects,
you’ll be pleased to know that something like one third of the population of Earth worked on all the CG whatsie going on
in Speed Racer -- and it totally shows. From DayGlo suburbia (featuring some of the most hideous wallpaper in the
history of human domesticity) to the “Los Angeles: 2017”-meets-Coruscant lustre of Cosmopolis, from armies of Segway-
riding minions to the kinda-epic races themselves (which are absolutely and doubtlessly inspired by the Star Wars
Podracer videogame – which I’d much rather play than watch this movie, incidentally), the most accurate adjective we
have available in English is “neato” -- and if “neato” works for you, you’re in for a feast of it with Speed Racer. (David
Tattersall, who lensed the similar-in-execution Star Wars prequels, serves as D.P. here.) And, to conclude this point
honestly: As we viewed this Spectacle via hi-def digital on a massive IMAX screen (forced into uncomfortably close
scrutiny of each and every gigantic facial mole, plus a rather disturbing and unfortunate nosehair close-up), I felt much
more intrigued-by-technique than involved-with-story -- and in feature-filmmaking, that’s not a good thing (our audience,
including many children, remained almost silent throughout this long movie -- which, heck, may serve as a
recommendation to some parents). During the crazy race through the mountains, I even had trouble stifling a huge yawn;
it looked really cool, but the only time all that animation actually connected was when a live character (“Snake Oiler,”
Christian Oliver, not bad) called Speed a “little turd” -- then suddenly it wasn’t about loud, weightless, absurdly-fake
“cars” and became, all too briefly, about characters: Boys, there is a lesson in this.
Performances: Alas, in the leads as Speed and Trixie, both Hirsch and Ricci are dismayingly flat (if you want these
characters to pop, check out Peter Fernandez and Corinne Orr [both kindly given cameos as announcers in the feature]
voicing them in the English dub of the original series). Meanwhile, absolutely not flat is Susan Sarandon (The Rocky
Horror Picture Show), whose presence as earnest, determined, astoundingly busty and very proud Mom Racer not only
affords the project some much-needed integrity -- it also establishes once again that Tim Robbins is a totally lucky dude.
And then we’ve got John Goodman (True Stories) as Pops Racer -- another of the movie’s heavy-hitters (literally, in a
couple of startling fight scenes), who -- unlike the younger players -- possesses some innate understanding of how to
portray a cartoon character without being merely two-dimensional.
Less impressed am I with Speed’s trusty mechanic Sparky (who is supposed to be a total American dork -- not some
wiry Australian like Kick Gurry), and especially with the movie’s corporate villain, Royalton (Roger Allam; a.k.a.
“Nosehairs”) -- who claims altogether too much screen time and is nowhere near interesting enough to deserve it. (Does
anybody else see the irony of a movie allegedly shunning the evils of corporate sponsorship whilst plugging Motorola,
Sennheiser, Adidas and Swatch?) I’m also a bit disappointed with Speed’s tyke-brother Spritle (Paulie Litt), who is mainly
a silly nuisance in the cartoon but is annoyingly pugnacious here (he actually flips Royalton the bird -- quoth the little boy
sitting next to us: “Mommy, what does that mean?” -- and even affords the villain a fecal facial, via “Chim-Chim cookies”).
Although Speed Racer is being marketed as a “family film,” the label is definitely dubious. Producer Joel Silver is known
for his blam-blam fetish, and the gunfire in this movie proves rather intense. (In all fairness, the cartoon also featured
significant gun action -- but as long as we’re updating absolutely every other element -- in many cases beyond recognition
-- would it be too much to modify the firearm obscenity to parallel current, progressive standards?) There’s also some
rather nasty stuff involving voracious piranhas, very violent fisticuffs and poison syringes -- basically lots of icky things
even a more adult-oriented success like Iron Man doesn’t need -- and frankly, I question why these things are included.
(A peripheral character played by Shaft himself -- Richard Roundtree -- also exclaims “Shit!” -- but it’s bleeped out,
which, after everything else, is puzzling.)
Speaking of supporting characters, there isn’t enough RAM on my server. Whole buncha people, zooming around the
screen. Since the movie was lensed in Germany, Moritz Bliebtreu (Run Lola Run) briefly flits past as “Grey Ghost”.
There’s a whole (apparently truncated) Asian corporate subplot involving the talents of Hiroyuki Sanada, Togo Igawa, Yu
Nan, Rain (the Korean pop superstar with no surname) and others -- which could have been a feature unto itself. Oh, and
Inspector Detector (Benno Furmann) and Cruncher Block (John Benfield) show up -- and nobody else seems to notice
that their names and roles are completely ridiculous.
I do think it’s way cool, though, that my former university peer (and awesome singer Tanita Tikaram’s brother) Ramon
Tikaram gets to be one of the globally pump-priming race-announcers. Among many! (The international supporting cast is
very impressive, and worth a click over to IMDb.)
Ultimately, though, this is the eponymous character’s story, and the Wachowski Siblings’ portraiture thereof is direly
eclipsed by their digital toolbox and delusions of creativity. They give us Speed not as the originally envisioned shining
hero -- but more as a self-obsessed jerk who “grows” through the movie to become…a slightly tougher self-obsessed
jerk. During one of many smash-‘em-ups -- which the cartoon Speed would have artfully dodged -- they even have him
declare, “No more Mr. Nice Guy!” What they’re forgetting -- or what they’ve lost -- is that Speed Racer’s whole purpose
is to remind us that, ultimately, despite entire worlds of setbacks, nice guys finish first.
Speed Racer
Entertainment Value: 6/13
Style: 7/13
Philosophical Insight: 5/13
-Gregory Weinkauf, 8 May, 2008
This ÜberCiné Review is dedicated to me sitting cross-legged and thrilled in front of a big old lo-def Zenith.
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